Thursday 10/8/09

I'm still in school as I write this in my journal to copy to the blog later. It's 10:50. We're about to watch a movie. I am going to church tonight for the first time since June. I never really feel comfortable in churches. I guess it's because I'm still not sure what I believe in and do not agree with many things in the bible. It's just youth group with a bunch of friends but it's still church. I'm nervous. I know there are people there that I do not get along with and it's hard for me to hold my tongue. I must try to control myself. I will try to make peace with them. I think I am turning a new leaf. Trying to be a better person. I'm trying to learn to trust people more. This life will get better. I will make it better. Though I'm trying to be optimistic; I can't help but think something wil lgo wrong tonight at church. I'm not quite sure what it is...I just have a wierd feeling.

I should be listening to the story being read to me but as usual I'm more in my head than anything. I guess this journal will help me get my ideas out of my head and onto paper. If I keep these thoughts and ideas that fill my head I might burst. There's thousands of them. I'm always thinking up new ideas and things. Sometimes they're more self destructive than anything, other times they're amazing ideas that I'm sure could change the world if only I knew how to express them. My mind is full to capacity.

AFTER CHURCH

Church was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. They're like a family to me and I need that right now. I do not like being at home right now and have been searching for a place I could dcall my home away from home. Well, I think I may have finally found it.

Earlier I said problems may arise because there are people there I do not like. Well, I actually held hands with one of those people tonight. She was someone I've had A LOT of problems with for a year and we really connected tonight. (Not in a romantic way) We are no longer enemies. I also held someone as they cried. I don't even know why she was crying but I cannot stand to see people upset.

I want to make sure no one ever feels pain. If they do, I have to fix them. I want to fix everyone. So much so that I often forget about myself. My problems get worse and worse but I never notice because I am constantly trying to fix everyone. It is leading to my destruction.