Thursday 10/22/09

Yes, it's been a full week since I last wrote in here and I've been through a lot. Two major melt downs, numerous fights with the parental units, a few serious relationship discussions, and my own self loathing.

I've finally decided who I want and it's actually someone I haven't written about in here. But she's the person I've wanted for the longest out of J, B, and S (her). I've wanted her since the summer and haven't stopped since then. We've had a few serious talks about our relationship and if it's going to happen or not because there's...complications. I've decided I'm going to have to turn down the people that like me because I'm waiting for S.

As for the fighting with the parental units...that's been happening a lot lately. I don't really know how to sum it up but let's just say at one point I climbed out of my window in the dead of night and walked two miles just to get away from it all.

I feel like my soul is slowly dying here. Whether it be because of my parents, not being at home, or my own self destruction. My parents have been criticizing every word I say and making me feel like shit. And I'm not at home here. I've lived in Florida for seven years and still this house is not a home. Philly is my everything. It's where most of my family is, it's where my home is. I don't know why lately I've been stricken with this odd need to get out of here. My self destruction...that's a big issue. It's like my soul is crumbling already, what're a few more cracks gonna do? I've been trying so hard these past few months to stop my self injury and it was working for a while but I've cut twice in the past week. I don't want to seem like I'm whining or looking ofr attention so I've stopped telling the people that have asked for me to tell them before I do so they can help me. I feel like I'm pushing people away but at the same time I feel like I need some people now more than ever.

Thursday 10/15/09

My mind is so mixed up. Romantic situations have seemed to be getting the better of me. My heart feels like it's being pulled in three different directions. J--no B--no J--no B! HELP! I almost feel like I'm going mad. There are many differences in them.

J: Boy, new and exciting, seems a bit dangerous and on edge, taller than me (though not by much), funny, seems to be sweet, has a car (which pains me to say is a plus).

B: Girl, familiar but still exciting, wants a lot of the same things I do, easy to talk to, almost a foot shorter than me (4'11"!!), funny, one of my oldest friends, sweet.

Yeah, this entry isn't really interesting, more for my own sanity. But I guess all of these entries are.

Wednesday 10/14/09

I've decided I'm going to try not to use names in this here just in case the wrong person seems to stumble upon here. So B came over today. I was so afraid it was going to be awkward since she is my exgirlfriend but it wasn't! We're working on trying to get our friendship back to how it was before. We were bestfriends before and after the many times we've dated but we drifted apart recently and we're slowly working on rebuilding our friendship.

We had the most amazing talk. Like, pretty much the best I've had in a long time. We both want pretty much the same things out of life. We just want to be happy, even if it means being dirt poor to accomplish that. We want to see the world. Actually, travel the world in a hippie van. Yes, that sounds stupid but it's what we want and we're going to do whatever it takes to get it. Together. We don't want to be like everyone else. We're not going to let the world turn us into living robots like it seems to be doing to everyone else. We're going to be "partners in crime", do wat we want, travel the world, immurse ourselves in the different cultures all around the world.

I really needed B's friendship again, if nothing more. I missed it. I forgot about all the long talks we used to have and how fucking great they were. We always seemed to just click. I don't know what I'd do without B.

Monday 10/12/09

The weekend wasn't too bad. I went to the football game with a friend and dress shopping with my mom. I skipped my medicine on Sunday. I probably shouldn't have done that but nothing happened so I guess it's alright.

I just took my first block exam. All is quiet. Too much time to think.

...

I just finished my third block exam. Once again, all is quiet and I have too much time to think.

...

I want to get out of this place. Not just school, but Titusville all together and eventually Florida. Right now what I really need is to just hit the road with a few good friends and just be. No parents, no classes, no stress. Just friends, music, and the road. I want to pack up and leave Titusville behind. I don't even need to know where I'm going next, just go.

Of course, there's absolutely no chance of this happening...unless I run away. I doubt I could even convince any of my friends that can drive to take me anywhere. Except one. I bet he'd take me...Yes, I'll give him my remaining $9.91 for gas and we'll just leave. If only...

Sadly, that's just a dream. But it's one I've found myself repeating a lot lately. Sort of like a mantra. I wish I had enough courage to just do it. But I know I'd eventually have to come back and then the consequences would be great. I wonder if it would be worth it. The only way to know is to find out...right?

Friday 10/10/09

Today we had exams. They weren't really that big of a deal. I've had my mind on other things. I can't get my mind off church last night. So many things happened. Things I never thought would happen. The pastor is amazing. Afterwards, I was sitting alone waiting for my ride. He came up and sat next to me and asked what was wrong. He is such a nice guy. Fun, too.

I was supposed to go to the beach after school today. Those plans got cancelled. I might go to the football game. I want--no--need something to happen to spice up my life.

I fear my parents may think my not liking being at home is their doing. Usually it's not. I cannot explain why I do not like it here, but I will try. I feel boxed. Trapped. Sometimes lonely. And sometimes when I'm here all I can do is think. Thinking is what I try to avoid doing too much of. Thinking leads to bad things for me if I have too much time to do it. I really need to get out of my head.

Thursday 10/8/09

I'm still in school as I write this in my journal to copy to the blog later. It's 10:50. We're about to watch a movie. I am going to church tonight for the first time since June. I never really feel comfortable in churches. I guess it's because I'm still not sure what I believe in and do not agree with many things in the bible. It's just youth group with a bunch of friends but it's still church. I'm nervous. I know there are people there that I do not get along with and it's hard for me to hold my tongue. I must try to control myself. I will try to make peace with them. I think I am turning a new leaf. Trying to be a better person. I'm trying to learn to trust people more. This life will get better. I will make it better. Though I'm trying to be optimistic; I can't help but think something wil lgo wrong tonight at church. I'm not quite sure what it is...I just have a wierd feeling.

I should be listening to the story being read to me but as usual I'm more in my head than anything. I guess this journal will help me get my ideas out of my head and onto paper. If I keep these thoughts and ideas that fill my head I might burst. There's thousands of them. I'm always thinking up new ideas and things. Sometimes they're more self destructive than anything, other times they're amazing ideas that I'm sure could change the world if only I knew how to express them. My mind is full to capacity.

AFTER CHURCH

Church was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. They're like a family to me and I need that right now. I do not like being at home right now and have been searching for a place I could dcall my home away from home. Well, I think I may have finally found it.

Earlier I said problems may arise because there are people there I do not like. Well, I actually held hands with one of those people tonight. She was someone I've had A LOT of problems with for a year and we really connected tonight. (Not in a romantic way) We are no longer enemies. I also held someone as they cried. I don't even know why she was crying but I cannot stand to see people upset.

I want to make sure no one ever feels pain. If they do, I have to fix them. I want to fix everyone. So much so that I often forget about myself. My problems get worse and worse but I never notice because I am constantly trying to fix everyone. It is leading to my destruction.

Wednesday 10/7/09

Hello, I'm Devan. I am writing this blog in hopes that someday it will somehow change the world. Even if it just helps one person, it has done its job. My life may not be all that interesting but it's real and it's mine. I hope, many years after I am gone, I can give someone hope, inspiration, the feeling of belonging, anything! I may not write everyday or the entries may not be tat long but they're there and a way for me to kind of document my teenage life.

Today I saw my 8th grade art class partner. I haven't talked to her much in the past two years. But when I saw her she was crying and hysterical. I stopped to talk to her and hopefully cheer her up a bit. She told me her friend was moving. I knew how that felt. I'd been there. I was almost late to class but by the time I walked away she was laughing.

I want to do more things like this.

I've been on antidepressants for almost three weeks and so far it's been pretty good. I'm still a jumbled mess of confusion but it's not as bad and I am no longer self harming. I am a 15 year old girl. Sophmore in high school. I have diabetes and depression but life goes on.